I got an email a few days ago from a friend, expressing how she could empathise with me, as she had read by blog, finding it incredibly depressing.
Jesus, I'd better write something good!
Ok, well... I'm feeling chirpy, surprisingly, but there's a lot of problems
a) Laptop broke
b) Broke
c) Can't buy one (See b)
d) Massive amount of homework due, which is on laptop, which could be lost forever
e) Parents being total bitches
f) Parents don't want me to fail (See d + e)
g) This is the first letter of Golf. Thought you'd like to know.
I'm happy, people are talking to me more.
I'm wearing make-up more often and making sure I look nice every day, and people are being nicer. It's a good feeling.
I'm currently reading a book called Big Fat Manifesto, which is about a fat girl who doesn't care about her size, until her school newspaper (Which she is writer for) decides to do a piece on a popular teenage clothes store. Of course she can't fit into anything and gets her confidence knocked a little, then her boyfriend (or FatBoy as he is known in the book) decides he no longer wants to be fat anymore, and chooses to get Gastric Bypass surgery. I'm 3/4's way through and it's making me think.
Thinking is bad for me, if I think too much, it hurts because everything leads back to my pessimistic mindset.
Michael Jackson seems to come back to mind. I feel for his kids (as I have previously mentioned). I know he loved his kids, you can just tell, no matter what he did with his life.
I've decided I'm moving countries after I finish uni, that's the best option. Away from Step-relations, away from terrible people who know me, a new start!
Well... nothing much else is going on, although I've given up on losing weight (for now). It's too hard to juggle things I'm already struggling with.
Much love,
Your Friendly Neighbourhood Aqua_Nautical! xx
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
To Build A Home - The Cinematic Orchestra
Well, I have only a few things to say today.
This is a letter I sent the school counsellor today;
"Hi Mrs O’Brien,
I am currently feeling quite depressed, as I have for a long time now and I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
I can’t come see you in person, especially today, as I have to run around like a headless chook in my spare time to get my subject selections in.
So, I’ll just tell you a little bit about it, I hope that’s ok. I don’t want to bore you or take any of your time out of your day.
At least once a day, I have a disgusting depression feeling (If I’m with people, between 6pm and 8pm, or during the school day) and it’s constant.
Even the smallest gestures of offence or insult makes me feel sick and emotional, most times, bursting into tears.
I don’t know if I’m overreacting with small things, or my brain is right and people are just treating me like the dirt under their feet.
I usually run my life by the saying ‘Treat people how you would like to be treated’, and so I am kind, well-mannered, respectful, friendly and generous to everyone and anyone who needs it. While girls are rude, inconsiderate and sometimes selfish to, not just me but others as well.
I don’t have a lot of close friends, in fact you could say I don’t have any close friends, and yet everyone around Toorak knows my name and is always willing to give a smile. At the moment, I’m planning my 16th birthday party and there’s going to be 40 people and it’s a cocktail party, I’m finding it incredibly hard to invite people, I don’t know anyone well enough to have a small party, but if I had a big party, I don’t know that many people.
I have had incredible self esteem problems my entire life and they’re only getting worse. I was seeing someone in Frankston Psychology and Hypnotherapy who said that what my brain tells me, and what I think is wrong.
You see, when I look at someone who is slightly overweight or big, I instantly think terrible thoughts which I think is incredibly insensitive of me, then I think that people who look at me, whether they be friends or strangers, must think that about me as well.
Yesterday, the incident that set the ‘waterworks’ off, was two girls during recess. I was walking past some girls and they started spitting nut shells at me, putting them in their mouths and spitting them at me. At first I just stood there thinking ‘what are they doing…?” before I realised how degrading, demeaning and humiliating it was for me, before I walked off into another room. I walked into the toilets and burst into tears.
I used to have severe bulimia during years 8 and half of year 9, and I’m seriously worried that, that, might be my last option again.
Ok, too much information, just to summarize; I feel invisible to everyone around me, I feel like no one (not even my family) has my own personal needs in mind when they advise me, I feel like I have no friends or anyone that does actually care. My view on my own body is deteriorating quickly (I have asked people, and they say that no one likes hanging around with someone that is so negative), I am depressing almost everyday, to which I eat constantly which makes me more depressed because I’m getting fatter and eventually obese. I am afraid of everything and anyone. I have lied to Psychiatrist’s because if I tell them that I constantly binge and then get even more depressed, I feel they’re going to judge me.
I didn’t want to come see you in person for these reasons, I hope you understand.
If you have anything to add, advise or anything that could help, please tell me.
Thank you,
Michaela. "
I've been listening to sad songs too much lately.
Well, I assure you that next post I have will either be Mrs O'Brien's reply or a happy happy joy joy post.
Well...
I'm in Biology now, in which, Mr Richardson decided to tell a gay Irish joke.
"Some irish guys were planting a tree, and up on the hill at their house, their brother was yelling at them "GREEN SIDE UP!"" It was a bad joke... but I laughed anyway.
Have a nice day, I know I'm trying to.
Steph, if you're reading this (which I know you might), please don't go over school saying you've read my blog and asking me about it in public. I say things on here which I need to get out, not that I'd like discussed. This is my substitution for someone who will listen, I don't need it being spread through Toorak.
Michaela.
This is a letter I sent the school counsellor today;
"Hi Mrs O’Brien,
I am currently feeling quite depressed, as I have for a long time now and I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
I can’t come see you in person, especially today, as I have to run around like a headless chook in my spare time to get my subject selections in.
So, I’ll just tell you a little bit about it, I hope that’s ok. I don’t want to bore you or take any of your time out of your day.
At least once a day, I have a disgusting depression feeling (If I’m with people, between 6pm and 8pm, or during the school day) and it’s constant.
Even the smallest gestures of offence or insult makes me feel sick and emotional, most times, bursting into tears.
I don’t know if I’m overreacting with small things, or my brain is right and people are just treating me like the dirt under their feet.
I usually run my life by the saying ‘Treat people how you would like to be treated’, and so I am kind, well-mannered, respectful, friendly and generous to everyone and anyone who needs it. While girls are rude, inconsiderate and sometimes selfish to, not just me but others as well.
I don’t have a lot of close friends, in fact you could say I don’t have any close friends, and yet everyone around Toorak knows my name and is always willing to give a smile. At the moment, I’m planning my 16th birthday party and there’s going to be 40 people and it’s a cocktail party, I’m finding it incredibly hard to invite people, I don’t know anyone well enough to have a small party, but if I had a big party, I don’t know that many people.
I have had incredible self esteem problems my entire life and they’re only getting worse. I was seeing someone in Frankston Psychology and Hypnotherapy who said that what my brain tells me, and what I think is wrong.
You see, when I look at someone who is slightly overweight or big, I instantly think terrible thoughts which I think is incredibly insensitive of me, then I think that people who look at me, whether they be friends or strangers, must think that about me as well.
Yesterday, the incident that set the ‘waterworks’ off, was two girls during recess. I was walking past some girls and they started spitting nut shells at me, putting them in their mouths and spitting them at me. At first I just stood there thinking ‘what are they doing…?” before I realised how degrading, demeaning and humiliating it was for me, before I walked off into another room. I walked into the toilets and burst into tears.
I used to have severe bulimia during years 8 and half of year 9, and I’m seriously worried that, that, might be my last option again.
Ok, too much information, just to summarize; I feel invisible to everyone around me, I feel like no one (not even my family) has my own personal needs in mind when they advise me, I feel like I have no friends or anyone that does actually care. My view on my own body is deteriorating quickly (I have asked people, and they say that no one likes hanging around with someone that is so negative), I am depressing almost everyday, to which I eat constantly which makes me more depressed because I’m getting fatter and eventually obese. I am afraid of everything and anyone. I have lied to Psychiatrist’s because if I tell them that I constantly binge and then get even more depressed, I feel they’re going to judge me.
I didn’t want to come see you in person for these reasons, I hope you understand.
If you have anything to add, advise or anything that could help, please tell me.
Thank you,
Michaela. "
I've been listening to sad songs too much lately.
Well, I assure you that next post I have will either be Mrs O'Brien's reply or a happy happy joy joy post.
Well...
I'm in Biology now, in which, Mr Richardson decided to tell a gay Irish joke.
"Some irish guys were planting a tree, and up on the hill at their house, their brother was yelling at them "GREEN SIDE UP!"" It was a bad joke... but I laughed anyway.
Have a nice day, I know I'm trying to.
Steph, if you're reading this (which I know you might), please don't go over school saying you've read my blog and asking me about it in public. I say things on here which I need to get out, not that I'd like discussed. This is my substitution for someone who will listen, I don't need it being spread through Toorak.
Michaela.
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